Chinese security

I heard a report on the radio the other day that "the Chinese government is taking the possibility of terrorism very seriously at the olympic games this summer." Which I thought was very good to hear, until I realized that their crack squad of anti-terrorism officials might not be as qualified as we'd like to think. Their advice to anyone who might be taken as a hostage by terrorists while in China?

"Try to stay calm, and send a text message to authorities alerting them to your location."

Wow, I don't know if I would have ever thought of that! Let's play that one out: During your trip to China for the olympic games, you realize you've been taken captive at gunpoint by individuals you think might be terrorists. They take you to their hideout without blindfolding you, and you recognize your location as the apartment building around the corner from KFC on Shanghai Lane. They leave you unattended in a room with only your clothes, some matches, a roll of duct tape, and a cellphone with a charged battery. You quickly use the matches to light your shirt on fire, then form a long rope using the duct tape with the cellphone attached to one end. Using the phone as a weight, you throw your makeshift rope through the window to the street below. When someone comes to find out who's throwing cell phones out their window, you use your tape-rope as a lasso to catch the individual and pull them up into the room with you. If the person has a cellphone on them you can repeat the trick -- indefinitely, as long as each new person has a phone. Imagine the terrorist guards' surprise when they come back to get you for the ransom handoff and realize you have assembled a small army! Except there's a flaw in your plan (aside from no longer having a shirt) -- everyone knows a duct-tape rope would never be able to support someone who lives down the street from a KFC. The rope breaks, leaving you with only a small stub of tape and an irate person with a sprained ankle shouting Chinese obscenities at you from the street below. Whoops... guess you should have stayed calm.

Thanks China -- you're really making sure that these summer games are the safest ever!

ADDENDUM: Other little-known Chinese public safety policies
-Ocean Safety Team: "If you are drowning, stay calm and try to get out of the water."
-Transit Authority: "If you realize that your car has gone off the road, stay calm. Wait until the car has stopped moving, and then get out of the car."
-Animal Control: "If you are being attacked by an animal, stay calm and try to move yourself to a location or position where the animal cannot reach you."
-Fire Department: "If you realize your clothes are on fire, try to put out the fire quickly. And stay calm."