Lettuce

I've never met anyone with a strong opinion about lettuce. I've met people who don't really like the stuff, people (girls) who will eat salad 2 meals a day, and people who would say "Huh?" when asked their opinion on leafy greens. But I've never heard of anyone getting fired up about this topic... so I guess that makes me the first. You thought my blog was going to be all fun & games, making fun of "clients" and collectively working through an addiction to passive-aggressive road rage -- nope. We'll get to all that stuff eventually, but today we are breaking new ground, tackling tough issues, and bringing light to stereotypes that have been ignored for far too long. And we're starting with lettuce.

I personally don't have any problem with lettuce. Although I would officially place myself in the "Huh?" category above, I have to admit that I generally like the stuff. In&Out has achieved the highest possible use of any vegetable in the fresh leafy lettuce that adorns their burgers. I can even admit to starting to feel kinda funky if I forego eating fresh fruits & vegetables for a while, which occasionally leads to the embarassment of me ordering a salad as an entree at a restaurant. ("THE CAJUN-FRIED CHICKEN SALAD JUST SOUNDED GOOD, OK??") So let's establish straight away that I am vehemently ambivalent towards lettuce.

BUT...

I can't stand the fact that iceberg lettuce has been all but kicked out of the lettuce family by dieticians, health magazines, and... well, women in general. As males, it should be remembered that it is a concious effort whenever we consume anything other than grilled red meat & cheese-flavored snack crackers. When I was growing up, I finished off just about every dinner with a nice big salad made with iceberg lettuce and Grammy's dressing. And I would say (nutritionally speaking) that I turned out OK. I'm not Lou Ferrigno or anything (thank goodness), but I also don't have any neuropathies, movement disorders, or chronic skin rashes that I know of. Apparently what I've been doing for the past 32 years is compatible with human life. For approximately 28 of those years I didn't even know you could eat dandelion or arrubala. Now all of a sudden, iceberg has all but been tossed (salad pun intended) into a new food group along with Skittles and carnival food.

I don't have any problem with those other wierd lettuces, which range from romaine ("iceberg's Italian cousin") to strange concoctions of endangered tropical plantae whose price usually includes part of the airfare required to collect them. All these different lettuce usually taste pretty good once they're drowned in dressing, and it's pretty easy to push the occasional venus-flytrap leaf under a potato skin or something. But over the past several years it's been increasingly common to receive the same reaction to making (or requesting) an iceberg salad that I would if I ripped open a tube of cookie dough and brought it to the dinner table without washing my hands. I'm sure there's truth to the nutritional statistics that are quoted ad nauseum by those people with anorexia... I just don't care. I don't need 28% more riboflavin per ounce in my diet. And if I do, I'll pop a Trader Joe's multi-vit and won't have to worry about it for a month. Did you know that iceberg contains 162% more taste per gram than the leading 'mixed gourmet combo'? Sometimes it's OK to eat things that taste good just because they're good -- *especially* when they're already good for you! And it is my official medical opinion that iceberg lettuce is good for you, as long as you wash it first and don't use straight mayonaise as your dressing. Don't believe me? Here: http://www.nutritiondata.com/facts-C00001-01c20dw.html

Please... leave iceberg alone. If it's good enough for In&Out, it's good enough for me. And leave Goldfish crackers alone too.